A Brief Moment in TIme Page 3

  “You could be anywhere you want, tell any story you want. You get stuck sometimes, though, believing you can’t leave. The prison is really in your mind.”

  “Well then, my mind is a powerful thing, kid,” Gavin replied sarcastically.

  Ryan looked at him and nodded as if acknowledging the great truth he’d just spoken. Strangely enough Gavin felt it, too. Only now he was more confused than ever. He was glad when the lunch bell sounded, ending the conversation. He turned off the machine they were working on and walked away.

  Gavin was surprised that the other men didn’t discuss the counseling sessions they were attending. He quietly listened to the usual banter around the lunch table, not feeling inclined to bring up the sessions, either. He was enjoying them for reasons he couldn’t explain, and he knew if they became a topic at mealtime they’d be reduced to a joke, with Kate and the other counselors at the center of it.

  He liked Kate. He respected her. If he was honest, he’d even have to admit he was somewhat attracted to her. He’d barely seen a woman in seventeen years, never mind spending time alone with one, and Kate made him feel good about himself. He looked forward to their sessions.

  A little crush on my therapist isn’t a bad thing, he decided. It’s probably even normal.

  He wasn’t crazy; he wouldn’t let it get out of control. He knew he’d never act on it, as it was purely one-sided. She was a professional, an older woman—and a married one at that. Gavin couldn’t help but notice the rings on her left hand.

  At their next session, Gavin observed something different about Kate. Her hair was up, but it was looser, more attractive, and although she was still dressed conservatively, her outfit was more fashionable, making her look quite becoming. She even had a touch of eye makeup on.

  She must have noticed the look he gave her, because she explained, “I’m meeting with representatives from the university right after our session. They want me to update them on the progress we’re making with the program here.”

  “So you are making progress?” he asked, wanting to engage in conversation. He was curious to know more about the woman.

  “Yes,” she smiled. “I have some very favorable results to show them.”

  Gavin wondered what she meant by favorable. He also wondered what she thought of his progress and if he would be regarded as a candidate for her ongoing program.

  She was polite, but their time was limited so she got right down to business. “Gavin, today I’d like us to start with a guided meditation. Are you okay with that?”

  “Sure,” he shrugged. He enjoyed the meditations they did in the group and liked hearing the sound of her voice.

  She walked over and completely closed the blinds on the window, blanketing the room in shadows. Then she turned on a CD player, and gentle, flowing music filled the room. It had a pleasing tone to it. She instructed him to close his eyes and take several deep breaths to relax.

  “Gavin,” she began in her silky-smooth tone. “I want you to imagine yourself in your special place. It’s a warm, cozy space where you’re safe, where you can relax and be yourself,” she reminded him softly. “This space belongs to you alone.” She paused, and Gavin let himself be drawn into the make-believe world.

  “You’re completely comfortable and secure in your space, but you’re curious now. You want to expand, to explore this new world of yours. You stand up, and as you move forward, your space moves and expands with you.

  “As you look into the distance, you see a beach with golden sand along a pristine lake. The water is as bright an emerald green as you’ve ever seen. It’s enticing, and as you begin to think about it, you’re right there. Time and distance don’t exist in your space, Gavin, only thought.” Again, she paused to let Gavin take in his new surroundings.

  “You slip off your shoes and feel the warm sand squishing between your toes. As you step into the sparkling water, the refreshing coolness splashes your legs. You shed your outer clothes and dive in. You’re a powerful swimmer, and your body slices across the sun-warmed lake.” As she let the words sink in again, Gavin could feel the forward movement of his body in the water.

  “You’re enjoying the delicious freedom of movement, but now you begin to relax in the gentle waves and let them carry you away…”

  Mesmerized by her words, Gavin felt his body leaning. He was relaxed, but he trusted the chair to support him. He was so completely caught up in the rapturous sound of Kate’s voice and the titillating world into which she was leading him, that he began to disconnect from his physical body.

  With her voice and her presence powerfully influencing his voyage, he welcomed her into his imaginary world. It seemed right that she should be with him enjoying the place they had created. As they walked together on the beach, she reached for his hand, and he turned to her, surprised. Her hair fell past her shoulders and flowed freely in the breeze. Her skin was bronze from the sun and her cheeks rosy. Her lips looked soft and inviting. Gavin couldn’t resist; he kissed her, and she responded as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

  Suddenly she laughed and ran ahead, teasing, beckoning him to follow. Then, instead of running on the beach, they were on horseback. They rode side by side on the endless beach, laughing at the pleasure of it as the breeze caressed their faces.

  “Feel the wind in your hair, Gavin,” Kate’s lulling voice continued. “Now look down. See the emerald lake below. See the lush hillsides and the pastures. Feel your body as it catches the current and rises with it. Now let yourself fall, and feel the rush as you dive down, down, and then up again. Let the current carry you. Let it take you wherever you want to go.”

  Gavin was marginally aware that he was sliding down in the chair, his body completely limp. At the same time he was soaring high in the sky, caring little about what was happening in the physical shell he’d left behind.

  “Now you’re standing in a sun-drenched meadow with daisies all around you. The smell of clover is thick in the air. You breathe in the intoxicating smells and feel the velvety rays on your face. As you sit in the tall, flowing grass, a warmth gathers around you. It’s a familiar warmth. It’s your space, Gavin. Your comfortable, personal space.

  “Take a deep breath now, and feel immense appreciation for this space of yours. You know you can return any time you like and have any adventure you want. It’s okay to leave it; you know you’ll return soon.” She paused and then said softly, “You can open your eyes now, Gavin.”

  Gavin opened his eyes to see her sitting in the chair across from him, clipboard and pen in hand as if she’d been taking notes. Gavin was suddenly conscious of the fact that he was halfway out of his chair, and he quickly pulled himself upright.

  “Did you enjoy that?” she asked.

  “Mmm,” he nodded in response, not sure that he was even capable of words at that moment. He had no idea what had just happened. Whatever it was, it felt real, as if he had actually experienced it—even the kiss. His lips were still tingling. He really hoped that Kate wouldn’t ask him to describe the details of his adventure, because her being with him had been purely his creation, not hers.

  It was far beyond what he’d experienced in the group sessions or alone in his cell at night. He could go places in his imagination and enjoy the feeling of being somewhere else, but never had he felt the rich, visceral sensations he’d just experienced.

  He needed to know. “Was that an out-of-body experience?”

  “Is that what it felt like?”

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “I think so.”

  “Good,” she smiled. “You looked like you’d gone somewhere. Your body nearly slithered off the chair like it was an empty shell. Most people don’t have such a complete withdrawal of consciousness their first time. Have you ever done this before?”

  “At night, sometimes, I like to escape,” Gavin admitted. “But I’ve never felt so completely gone.”

  “It was probably just the next step for you, then.”

  “How doe
s it work?”

  “It’s really quite simple. We’re consciousness focused in a physical body. Most of us spend our lives so completely focused in this way that we think this body is the sum of all that we are. We believe that we begin at birth and end at death.”

  Gavin glanced at her to make sure she wasn’t joking. Her face told him she was serious, although her eyes had a sparkle he hadn’t noticed before.

  “We’re eternal beings, Gavin.”

  He loved hearing her say his name. It was like a gentle caress each time she said it.

  “You’re more than this physical body. You just experienced it.”

  The look on his face must have told her he wasn’t quite convinced, so she continued. “Think of the ocean, Gavin. Our physical bodies are like individual drops of water, but at the same time we’re part of something infinitely bigger. There’s no separation; we have all the qualities and characteristics of the ocean we’re a part of, and if we start to really examine ourselves we can’t see where we end and where the ocean begins.

  “Only instead of water, it’s an ocean of energy we exist in. It’s conscious and alive, pure and complete. Everything is made up of this energy, Gavin…you and I and everyone else are a part of it. That’s what I meant when I said we’re all the same.”

  She stopped talking, allowing Gavin time to absorb what she’d just said.

  He had a question burning in his mind, and although he was trying to resist it, arguing that it was really stupid, he couldn’t. “Are we real, then? Is anything real?”

  “Reality is…a tricky thing,” Kate replied, the sparkle in her eyes hinting at so much more.

  The clock on the wall indicated that their time was up, but he still had dozens of questions.

  “We’ll talk more about this next time,” she assured him. “Keep practicing. I want you to trust your space, let it take you anywhere you want to go. Remember, Gavin, nothing is wrong or off limits or inappropriate.”

  As she added the last statement, Gavin wondered if she suspected something, if she knew somehow that his adventure had gone beyond the words she’d offered as guidance, that he’d embellished the meditation with thoughts of her.

  Chapter 4

  GAVIN AWOKE to the sound of a gunshot. He bolted upright, his heart pounding and hands shaking as he gripped the sides of his cot. Looking around his familiar cell, lit only by the dim lighting in the corridor, he breathed heavily, still on edge but relieved to be free from his terrifying dream.

  Suddenly he longed for Kate’s soothing voice. He wanted to escape with her on one of their adventures. She’d said it was something he could do anytime. He’d tried, but it didn’t feel the same without her leading.

  In the darkness, he tried to imagine her voice and picture the places she had shown him in their sessions together. She was always with him in his mind as he explored his imaginary world. They’d flown a biplane, ridden camels in the desert, and sailed the ocean. They’d climbed mountains and swam in placid lakes. They had sat together watching a brilliant, fiery sunset and had spent evenings on a deserted beach watching the stars.

  And they’d kissed. Nothing more—just the exquisite thrill of a first kiss every time they were together.

  Gavin knew he was limiting it to that. He knew that to allow it to become more would be to cross a forbidden boundary, yet something inside told him it could be so much more.

  Thoughts of Kate helped diminish the gut-wrenching panic that had woken him. The panic was happening regularly now, and he had yet to share it with her in their sessions. He wanted to—now more then ever. The nightmares were accelerating in both frequency and intensity, and keeping them to himself was nearly unbearable.

  He was scheduled to have a session that morning, but it was several long hours away, and he didn’t dare fall back asleep, to be drawn into the gripping horror again. Instead, he leaned against the cold, bare wall beside his cot and took a few deep breaths. Kate always instructed the men to breathe deeply before a guided meditation. Gavin hadn’t understood the significance of it, but now as he breathed in with thoughts of Kate active in his mind, he felt her. A warm presence hovered near him, but he didn’t dare open his eyes. He wanted to go wherever the presence would lead him.

  He continued to breathe consciously and keep his thoughts focused on Kate. He could see her in his mind, and he carefully went over every detail—the way he saw her in their adventures together.

  Unlike her more conservative physical counterpart, the Kate of his dreams wore her hair down. Always smiling or laughing, she was adorned in bright, colorful clothing—loose flowing fabrics wrapped around her beautiful body, covering and yet revealing. She was always calling to him or taking him by the hand, leading him on enticing adventures.

  With Kate, he was free. With her, he could be anyone or anything he wanted to be. She was his salvation, his angel, his guide. She was loving and encouraging, never judging, never correcting.

  His heart soared as he thought of her. Appreciation filled his heart. Whether in person as his counselor, or in spirit as his adventure-mate and guide, he owed her so much. She had shown him a new world—one he had barely begun to explore.

  He had many questions to ask her, but he’d held back, not wanting to let slip the way he’d come to feel about her, not wanting to admit that she was such a vital part of his fantasy world.

  Feeling her comforting presence with him in the darkness, he dared ask the questions on his mind, questions he couldn’t ask her physical equivalent.

  Who are you, Kate?

  “I represent all you are and all you desire to be.”

  Gavin heard her response clearly. The voice was in his head, but he could easily differentiate it from his own questioning thoughts. But...you’re a woman.

  “Male and female are distinctions we make in the physical world. Here, no such distinction exists.”

  Where are you?

  “I’m everywhere that you are. I’m always with you. Your dreams are my dreams; your experiences are mine too. We’re inseparable.”

  But you’re not...real.

  “We’re the same, Gavin.”

  The conversation was going in a different direction than he’d anticipated, and suddenly Gavin felt himself getting frustrated. What does that mean, that I’m not real either? It was a question that had been pressing on his mind. How can I not be real? Ryan says stuff like that too, but it makes no sense. I’m alive. I breathe. If I stop breathing, I die. How is that not real?

  “Remember what I said about the ocean of energy we’re all a part of.”

  Yeah.

  “Feel yourself immersed in that ocean, Gavin,” Kate’s soothing voice instructed. “Flowing freely, lovingly carried by the current, at one with the energy. That’s who you really are. You have the ability to focus on something and experience it in what seems like a real way, but you never stop being who you are—part of that great ocean.”

  So I’m just focusing right now—that’s all this is? You’re telling me this “experience” of being in jail for the past seventeen years hasn’t been real? Gavin sighed. I’d like to believe that.

  “I’m here to help you do that, Gavin,” Kate replied. “I love you and I know who you are. I’m here to help you remember.”

  I love you, too. Gavin couldn’t deny it any longer; he was in love with Kathryn Harding, the woman, and with Kate, the apparition, the goddess of his dreams. It felt good to acknowledge what he’d been feeling, but the questions continued. He had so many, and Kate was there—listening, knowing, and willing to answer them all.

  So I’m creating this experience? he persisted, needing to find clarity on the subject. Why would I do that? If I get to choose what I focus on and create it, why wouldn’t I create an easy, comfortable life? Why aren’t I rich and successful, or at least living a normal life like everybody else?

  “You’ve already created those things—many times. And you will again. But this time, you had specific desires that only this expe
rience could help you fulfill.”

  What desires?

  “You knew you were free,” she explained. “Conceptually, you understood freedom completely and thoroughly, but you wanted to experience it in a new way.” Kate spoke with an authority that Gavin didn’t think to question. “You knew who you were with a knowing that can’t be shaken, but you wanted to taste that identity so fully that even being branded as a murderer and spending years behind bars wouldn’t stop you from realizing it.”

  As Gavin listened to Kate’s words, he marveled at them. They sounded so profound, so true. Suddenly everything in his life up to that point made sense. All his years in prison seemed a small price to pay for that knowing.

  So now that I know this, what do I do? Start over? Learn something new?

  “You’re just beginning to understand, Gavin,” Kate reminded him. “You’ve provided yourself with the contrast necessary to evoke powerful desires. Now the fun begins. Now you get to see them manifest. You get to focus on the outcome of each desire and feel the invigorating, insatiable joy that coming into alignment with it brings.”

  How do I do that?

  “You created this experience by your focus on it. You told yourself a story, believed it was true, and began living it. Now to change your circumstances, you just start telling a different story.”

  Chapter 5

  “SO WHERE DID you learn this stuff you’re always talking about?”

  “I’ve always known it.” Ryan looked up from his task and shot a faint smile Gavin’s way. “Are you saying you believe me now?”

  “I’m not sure,” Gavin hesitated, not wanting to admit his change of heart. “Maybe...some of it.”

  “You know it’s true,” Ryan asserted. “Deep down you know you believe it. It just feels right.”

  The kid was right. It was more of a feeling than any kind of rational belief, and it was coming from a place deep within. Gavin was still curious, however. Kate had helped him understand his reasons for choosing to spend so many years of his life in prison. Now he wondered if Ryan was there for the same reason.