A Brief Moment in TIme Page 4

  “So why are you here?” Gavin inquired.

  “To help you remember.”

  Ryan’s response baffled him. “You’re here…because of me?”

  “You’ll understand soon enough,” Ryan responded, not really answering his question. “Things are going to get interesting, but just remember: you’re a powerful creator, and you’re in control of what happens to you. This is where life starts to get really fun.”

  Ryan had pretty much just repeated what Kate had told him in his dream. Gavin looked at the boy in shock, anxiety rising within him. He had no idea how to respond.

  What’s going on? he asked, hoping for some higher wisdom to reveal itself. Am I losing my mind? I have conversations with a woman in my head, and as if that’s not enough to get me committed, now this kid tells me the same things. Am I going crazy? Is this place finally getting to me? Gavin started to feel extremely uncomfortable. His pulse quickened, and he began to perspire.

  “You’re not crazy,” Ryan replied, somehow reading his thoughts. “All this and so much more is possible. Believe me. You’re getting out of here soon, and you wanted to know this to prepare you for what’s ahead. It might seem a little confusing now, but if you remember these things you’ll be okay.”

  What things? And how do you know when I’m getting out of here? Gavin tried to ask, but his throat wouldn’t let the words pass.

  The all-too-familiar panic that had been frequenting his dreams and tormenting his mind at night suddenly took over his body. Beads of sweat ran down his face, and his legs threatened to give out. His heart began to race as the room started to spin out of control. Soon people were yelling orders and moving all around him.

  He couldn’t recall what happened after that. He knew he must have blacked out, because he awoke in the prison infirmary with no memory of how long he’d been there or what time of day it was.

  When the double doors swung open, Gavin saw Kate walking toward him, smiling. She was a welcome sight; he couldn’t think of anyone he would rather see. Neither said a word for a moment. Then she reached out, gently touching his hand. “You’re going to be all right, Gavin. The doctor said that you had a panic attack. Is this the first time you’ve experienced anything like this?”

  “No.” He was relieved to finally tell Kate about the things that had been happening to him. “I wake up feeling like that almost every night.”

  “How long has this been going on?” She looked concerned.

  “A few weeks.”

  Kate frowned. “You’ve never mentioned anything about it in our sessions.” She was stating a fact; her tone held no rebuke. “Do you feel comfortable talking about it now?”

  “I wanted to mention it, but…”

  “You don’t need to explain, Gavin. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

  Gavin shook his head in response. He was eager now to share what had been troubling him.

  “Do you remember your dreams?”

  “I’m terrified and usually running from something. I know it has to do with the killing. I get that sickening feeling and often look down to see blood on my hands. But I don’t know what it means.”

  “Dreams are manifestations. They’re directly related to the thoughts we think, the emotions we feel every day,” Kate explained. “But they can be confusing, especially if we try to sort out the specific details. What’s important here, Gavin, is how they make you feel. Your dreams are representative of things going on in other areas of your life. Has anything changed for you in the past few weeks? Can you think of anything that might have triggered this?”

  The dreams had started soon after Ryan came to Swenton, but they also coincided with Kate’s rehabilitation program. And that, Gavin couldn’t understand. He looked at her, desperately wanting to tell her what he was feeling but not knowing how. Instead, he frowned and shook his head. “I…” he shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”

  “May I?” She took his hand and held it in both of hers. He nodded, liking the silken feel of her touch.

  Closing her eyes, she gently rubbed the back of his hand. As he listened to her breathing, Gavin watched her chest rise and fall and was mesmerized by the beauty and rhythm of it. Without even thinking to question what she was doing or why, he felt himself drift effortlessly into his private world, Kate with him.

  They were on a calm river, relaxing in a dinghy, letting the river carry them. The scenery along the water was breathtaking. Trees in vibrant shades of orange, burgundy, and yellow decorated gentle banks. Fences climbed the slopes, attaching themselves to picturesque farms with red barns and two story houses. The houses all had shutters on the windows, and verandas that stretched across their width. Children played on the hills and in shallow water near the edge of the river. They waved as Gavin and Kate drifted by.

  “Mmm, this is nice.” Kate leaned her head back, taking in the perfection of the moment.

  Gavin smiled at her. She was beautiful, elegant even. Her arms were draped over the sides of the raft, and her long, graceful legs were stretched out comfortably. He was happy just to watch her.

  She lifted her head and smiled lovingly at him. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Gavin.”

  In that moment Gavin felt no fear and wondered what she was referring to.

  “You know who you are now. You know why you’re here. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  What am I afraid of? Gavin stared at her blankly.

  She leaned forward, and taking his hand she looked at him, peering deep into his soul.

  Gavin gazed at the amber flecks in her eyes for a moment before he closed his own in a deliberate attempt to concentrate. He wanted to remember; he needed to know what was causing the anxiety.

  The familiar emotion returned quickly in response to his focus, and the scenery around him began to transform. The sky darkened, and a giant wave washed over them, heaving their little dinghy into the air. He felt himself being thrown about, but instead of grabbing the raft to keep from going over the side, he pulled Kate to him, wanting to keep her safe. A second wave lifted them and this time sent them flying through the air.

  “It’s not real, Gavin,” Kate breathed. “You can change it with your thoughts.”

  Gavin was scared, but Kate’s words reminded him that in their make-believe world, a change of focus could create a whole new setting. With Kate in his arms, he closed his eyes and imagined them lying on a beach beside a tranquil lake. When he opened his eyes they were lying together as if they had been there all along. Only, she was completely dry, and he was soaked to the skin.

  As he lay back exhausted, Kate gently stroked his cheek. “Are you okay?”

  What happened?

  “You focused on your fear and created a manifestation of it,” she said. “But you changed your focus. You’re in control now. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  Gavin felt the immense power of Kate’s words and for the first time was able to look at his situation clearly. He wasn’t sure where the revelation had come from, but in that moment he knew precisely what was causing his fears.

  He opened his physical eyes to see Kate still standing by his bed. “I know what I’m afraid of,” he told her eagerly. “I’m afraid of getting out of prison. I’m afraid of what people will think of me, afraid I won’t fit in.”

  “It’s natural to feel that way, Gavin,” Kate soothed. “You’ve spent nearly half your life in this place. You’ve adapted to it. It’s what you’re most familiar with. Nearly everyone in your position experiences the same kind of fear or apprehension. But I’m here to help you. We can make that transition easier for you. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.” She reiterated the words she’d said to him in his vision.

  Gavin looked at Kate questioningly. “I don’t understand what’s happening.” He shook his head, longing to bridge the gap between his two worlds.

  “What do you mean, Gavin?”

  “You and me…the visions…I don’t know what’s real anymore.” />
  Before she could respond, the doors to the infirmary burst open as several people rushed in, one of them a guard carrying someone. A man was placed on a gurney, and the commotion continued as orders were shouted and carried out. Gavin turned his head to see Ryan lying motionless just a few feet away. His face was blue, and efforts to revive him seemed futile.

  He continued to watch until the guard ceased his efforts and with a solemn look to the others, shook his head. At that point Gavin turned to see Kate’s reaction, but she was no longer by his bed. She wasn’t in the group that surrounded Ryan, either. He had no idea why she’d left or where she would have gone.

  As he dealt with the shock of the incident he’d just witnessed, Gavin recalled Ryan’s words: “You’ll understand soon enough.”

  Gavin closed his eyes and turned away. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t make any sense of the bizarre things that were happening, and the troubling possibility that he might be suffering from some kind of mental breakdown began to weigh on him.

  In the midst of his confusion, however, one clear thought prevailed. I need to hold on to the things I learned from Kate and from Ryan. Gavin didn’t know what prompted it, but the thought was vehement, settling itself in his mind with a decisive knowing, assuring him that if their words were true, everything else would make sense as well.

  Part 2

  ~Kathryn~

  This reality that you think is so stable and solid is not at all…it’s changing constantly. It’s changing and becoming and morphing to the degree that you allow it.

  —ABRAHAM-HICKS

  Chapter 6

  KATHRYN PACED back and forth nervously as her colleague sat drumming her nails on the desktop.

  “Don’t worry,” Adele tried to encourage her friend. “We’ll get the approval. They’ve pretty much assured us we’ll get it this time.”

  “I know; I can feel it,” Kathryn replied. “It’s just that we’ve been here so many times before.”

  The phone finally rang, and the two women looked at each other spellbound. “This is it.” Kathryn tried to allay her jitters as she picked up the receiver.

  “Thank you,” she responded, feeling a rush of excitement as she heard the words she’d been waiting so long for. “Thank you, sir!”

  “We got it!” Adele stood to her feet triumphantly. “Any restrictions?”

  “No, they’ve agreed to the full three-year funding and immediate go-ahead.”

  “Which prison?”

  “Swenton. They’ve already been approached and are willing to cooperate fully. We can start next week.”

  Kathryn sat down at her desk to let the news settle. For two years they had been pushing to get the green light for their prison rehabilitation program, not to mention all the years it took to develop, the criticism she and her co-workers had endured, and the tireless hours she’d spent writing and rewriting the proposal, only to have it shot down repeatedly.

  She knew the struggle and hard work wasn’t over; in truth it had just begun. The board wanted to see positive results early if the funding was to continue. She knew the critics would be watching closely, too. But she didn’t want to dwell on that now. She wanted to savor the victory.

  Adele had already informed the rest of the staff, and rounds of cheering had ensued. She re-entered Kathryn’s office holding up a bottle of champagne. “This baby’s been waiting a long time; do you want to do the honors?”

  “I’d love to!”

  GAVIN FELT WEAK as he walked to the dining hall. Four days in the infirmary had taken a toll, and he was eager to get his strength back.

  It had been four days free of panic attacks and nightmares, and he was grateful for the reprieve. He couldn’t wait to see Kate again and talk to her about what had happened, especially now that they’d discussed the reason for his fear. But he was a little anxious, given her quick disappearance. He couldn’t help but wonder if she suspected that he had feelings for her.

  He filled his tray and joined the other men at his usual table. Stubby welcomed him with a friendly slap on the back, and others made uncharacteristically polite remarks about his recovery. Their behavior surprised him. He had expected to be the subject of their jokes after rumors inevitably spread that he’d had a panic attack.

  He was curious to know what their response had been to the news of Ryan’s suicide. No doubt they were happy to hear it, but Gavin found himself distressed as he glanced at the table Ryan had once occupied. He wasn’t heartless. He’d come to know the kid, worked with him, talked with him. Despite Ryan’s strange manner, he’d gotten to Gavin somehow, and it seemed tragic and utterly pointless that his life was over.

  He wasn’t in the mood to hear the guys joke about it so decided not to bring it up. As he listened, however, all he heard was the usual gossip, dirty jokes, and speculation about which movie would be showing on the weekend. It seemed as if life was back to normal.

  Unfortunately, normal was far from what Gavin was feeling. He didn’t even know what the word meant anymore.

  “GOD WHERE DID YOU get that dress?” Adele gasped as Kathryn walked into the adjoining hotel room. “A paper bag would have been more flattering.”

  “Flattering is not the look we’re going for,” Kathryn retorted, noticing her colleague’s black dress pants and sensible blouse, wishing she’d chosen something similar. “Most of those men haven’t seen women in a long time. We don’t want to send the wrong message.”

  “Sorry,” Adele laughed. “But I’ve never seen you look this frumpy. You’re not wearing makeup, and your hair—I hope it’s not going to cut off the circulation to your head, with it pulled back so tight.”

  “Are you finished?”

  Adele nodded, still smiling.

  Kathryn had just spent the last half-hour stressing over what to wear, and now it was too late to change. Besides, her primary goal that morning was to be heard. She didn’t want the men looking at her as anything other than a professional. She had a program to offer that could change their lives, and she wanted to be taken seriously, wanted to make a difference. As she thought about the morning ahead, she subconsciously twisted her rings.

  “Kathryn…your wedding rings?” Adele looked at her questioningly.

  Kathryn had reluctantly stopped wearing her wedding rings several months earlier. It had been almost four years since her husband passed away, and her friends and family wanted her to move on. In their opinion she’d grieved long enough and at forty-two was still an eligible woman. But dating was the furthest thing from Kathryn’s mind. She’d poured herself into her work, and now all that hard work was finally paying off.

  “It sends a message,” she said simply.

  “Yes,” Adele replied. “It does.”

  Kathryn heard the tone in Adele’s voice. She knew she was being judged again for her choice to refrain from taking part in the dating game. But for Kathryn, the choice had been easy to make. She’d loved and been loved in return by a wonderful man for nearly twenty years. A love that deep and that special, though it had ended abruptly, was something to be treasured and remembered.

  A relationship with someone new would defile the memories she held dear. It would obscure them, maybe even cause them to fade away altogether. The very thought scared Kathryn, because time itself was starting to do those things despite her efforts to keep it from happening.

  “Well, let’s get this show on the road,” she said abruptly, wanting to put a stop to thoughts and feelings that had come crashing in unbidden and unwelcome. “We’re meeting with the warden for a short conference and then addressing the men in an assembly format,” she added, knowing that Adele was as aware of the details of this important first morning as she was. “I’d like to get a look at the facility while we’re there, too.” They were joined then by the two men that would be completing their team for the project, and the four of them left for the prison.

  Kathryn’s excitement was coupled with nervousness. She was confident as a public speaker,
but this was new territory for her. Her audience was typically made up of peers in the mental health profession or graduate students wanting to expand their knowledge, not men being held against their will—forced, or as the warden had put it, “strongly encouraged” to participate in the program. It gave a whole new meaning to the term captive audience. Nevertheless, she was ready. She’d been preparing for this moment for a long time. She not only knew the material backward and forward, she believed in it wholeheartedly. She truly believed that she would see lives changed for the better.

  GAVIN HALF LISTENED as announcements were made after breakfast. But when the warden began talking about a rehabilitation program being initiated at Swenton, he had Gavin’s full attention. Frowning, he looked around to see what the men’s response was. All he saw was the usual look of disinterest in their faces as the warden talked about incentives and told the men that the program was to begin that morning with a lecture in the prison auditorium.

  “What the hell?” Gavin said just loud enough for Stubby to overhear.

  “Yeah,” Stubby whispered back. “I don’t know what they think they’re gonna accomplish with that. It’s just another waste of Joe Taxpayer’s money.”

  “But we already have a rehab program.”

  “Since when?”

  Gavin glanced over to see if Stubby was playing him, but his look was dead serious.

  “The rehab program,” Gavin repeated. “It’s been running for weeks already.”

  “Shit, Gavin,” Stubby frowned. “You’ve been in the infirmary for nearly three weeks. You must have been hallucinating or something; Bruno said you were in pretty rough shape.”

  “Three weeks?” Gavin shook his head. “I don’t remember…”