A Brief Moment in TIme Page 6

  He saw Kate look at him once or twice during the session. At one point, as he caught her eye, he sent her a silent message. It seemed foolish and maybe even futile, but he had to try. The thing was, he wasn’t sure if it was the woman before him he was directing it to or rather some unconscious inner part of her that he had connected with, a part that he longed to connect with again.

  AS THE DAYS progressed, Kathryn was satisfied with the progress of her group sessions. She’d received positive assessments from her colleagues as well. That was good because in a week she was meeting with the board of directors of the university, along with government officials, to give them a report.

  Individual sessions were about to start, and Kathryn was eager to begin the one-on-one time. This was where real accomplishments would take place because she could tailor her teaching to the men’s individual needs and move forward at the pace their level of understanding allowed.

  Some of her students were having a hard time with the new ideas, whereas others seemed to grasp them easily. A couple of the men, however, were difficult to read, and Gavin McDermott was one of them. He watched her constantly; she knew he was paying attention. She could tell he was enjoying the meditations, but he was quiet, answering an occasional question but never speaking unless spoken to. She still felt there was more to him than what she was observing, and she hoped to uncover it in their time together that morning.

  Gavin arrived promptly at the scheduled time, and Kathryn smiled to welcome him. He seemed uncomfortable—more so than usual—so she tried to engage him in casual conversation before they began. She asked how he’d been enjoying the group sessions.

  “Fine.”

  “Do you have any questions or concerns about the program?”

  “No, not really,” he shrugged.

  Getting information out of him was like pulling teeth, but she persevered, wanting to help him relax and get past the awkwardness he seemed to be feeling.

  “Gavin, how do you feel, overall, about your prison term?” she ventured. “Especially now that you’re nearing your release date?”

  She watched him take a deep breath and saw what appeared to be relief on his face. He looked her in the eye and held her gaze.

  “I realized I’m kind of scared of what it’ll be like on the outside.” He exhaled, now visibly relieved, as if sharing his feelings had been extremely difficult yet rewarding at the same time.

  She smiled and touched his arm in a comforting gesture—something she knew was wrong, but she’d not stopped to think. She was grateful that he felt free to share something so personal. “Gavin, that’s perfectly normal. I’m going to help you through that. I’m going to give you the tools you need to make the transition as painless as possible.”

  KATE’S WORDS echoed ones she’d used to comfort him in the infirmary after helping him discover what was causing his panic attacks. Hearing them, Gavin longed to connect with her as he had in the past, but he had no idea how to do it or if it was even possible.

  “Thanks,” he replied. “I like what you’ve been teaching us so far. It makes sense.”

  “How would you describe yourself, Gavin?”

  Gavin recognized the question and knew the direction Kate was going. Suddenly he wondered something. Can I change what happens here today? Because I already know the outcome, can I change or influence it? Is that why some of the sessions have been slightly different? Because of what I know?

  It made sense; it explained why events were unfolding as they were. Having seen the future, he could now influence and maybe alter what was about to happen.

  Still apprehensive but compelled to prove his theory, he decided to ask a question that would take their session in a different direction. “Kate, I was wondering...” he began tentatively. “I’ve heard you say that we create our own reality. What is reality anyway?”

  KATHRYN STARED at Gavin for a moment. Dumbfounded, she opened her mouth to speak but had to close it again when nothing came out. She’d been thrown some intense questions before by scientists, fellow psychologists, and others determined to find a flaw in the theory. But this was different; Gavin had asked a question that some of the greatest thinkers in her field couldn’t answer. As unexpected as the question was, however, it was the casual way he’d called her Kate that really unnerved her.

  Before her husband died, he’d been asking that question. None of the existing explanations satisfied him, and he’d become obsessed, not just with finding an answer but with proving it scientifically. Moreover, he was the only other person to call her Kate since she’d become an adult.

  Kathryn knew she had to respond, and she had to remain professional. She quickly collected herself and smiled. “I’m sorry, Gavin. Your question caught me off guard. We can talk about that if you like.”

  She was about to mention that she preferred to be called Kathryn, but she hesitated. She didn’t want to offend Gavin. He knew nothing of her past and was simply being less formal with her as he loosened up. That was something she wanted to encourage. She decided to let it pass.

  “Teachers are varied on the subject of reality,” she explained. “Its definition ranges from the literal here and now to a temporal, fleeting experience that exists only in our minds.”

  “What do you believe?”

  Kathryn knew she was being tested. She had some ideas about reality. She certainly believed that a person’s thoughts influenced the outcome of their experience, thus creating their reality, but she hadn’t come to any definite conclusions about the specific nature of reality itself, although she’d questioned it often. She searched her mind for a sufficient answer but found none.

  “In science, we’re trained to look at things as they are—black and white. But I’ve seen plenty of grey that can’t be overlooked, or easily explained for that matter. My…” She decided against mentioning her husband. “Great men and women have proved there’s more to ‘what is’ than just what is.”

  He continued to watch her silently, and she realized she’d sidestepped his question.

  “I believe we can influence, even change our reality,” she offered, knowing it wasn’t what he was looking for. “I believe the mind is powerful and capable of much, much more than we’ve previously believed possible.”

  Kathryn smiled and shook her head, admitting defeat. “Gavin, I’m sorry; I can’t give you a proper definition of the word; it’s something I’m still trying to settle in my own mind. I do think, however, the fact that great minds can’t agree on a definition does reveal something about the true nature of the subject.”

  GAVIN APPRECIATED Kate’s honesty. He also saw that his question made her uncomfortable. He hadn’t meant to do that, and he regretted asking. He had proved his theory correct, however. He’d changed the direction of the discussion by asking a question that hadn’t been part of the original session. Satisfied, he gave the reins back to Kate. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you sidetracked. You probably have a plan that you follow. I hope I didn’t mess that up.”

  “No, of course not,” she replied graciously. “These sessions are just a trial, really. I’m learning, too. I’ll probably make significant changes to the program once I evaluate the outcome here. So please feel free to ask any questions you like.”

  “You asked how I’d describe myself,” he offered, gazing at the familiar shape of her face and noticing the unusual blend of hazel and green in her eyes. “I know I’m more than just a prisoner here. I’m a son, a brother, a friend…I’m a supervisor in the prison’s millwork shop, too.”

  Gavin had a distinct advantage over Kate—knowing what she was going to ask and knowing how to answer her questions—and he felt guilty when he saw that it put her in a less than confident position as his teacher and guide.

  “That’s very insightful, Gavin,” she responded genially. “There’s much more to you than your experience at Swenton. You’re part of something bigger. We all are. We’re vibrational beings living in a vibrational universe. We’re equippe
d with a highly sensitive guidance system that, once we learn to follow, leads us to be and do and have all that we’ve come here to experience.”

  “How do we know what we’ve come here to experience?” Gavin asked. Kate had answered the question for him in his dreams, but he longed to talk more about the subject.

  “We all have desires, Gavin, and those desires call us forward. Our emotions offer us a moment by moment guidance system, telling us whether or not we’re in alignment with our desires. When we feel good and follow the inspired action that flows out of the positive emotion, we’re going in the right direction. If we continue in that direction we’ll see the fulfillment of all that we’ve asked for.

  “However, most of us feel bad consistently enough that we become immune to our guidance, and then we wonder why life never turns out for us like it does for those lucky few that are living their dreams.”

  Kate’s words, although practical, lacked the depth and insight of the wisdom she’d previously shared with him. He was beginning to wonder if he’d connected with a part of her that she wasn’t fully aware of yet.

  “But can we know what our life’s purpose is?” Gavin continued pursuing the topic. He understood why his past had unfolded the way it had; it was a manifestation of his thoughts and desires, some of which he’d set into motion before he began this physical experience. But now the future that loomed before him was a blank slate, and he wanted to know what it held for him or what he was to do with it. “...beyond this moment, I mean. Is it possible to get a glimpse of our future?”

  Chapter 9

  KATHRYN DIDN’T KNOW what to make of Gavin McDermott. She had rightly sensed that there was more to him than was evident at first glance. His questions amazed and baffled her. His level of intelligence and deep, analytical mind impressed her, as did his gentle personality. It was hard to imagine that he’d ever harmed anyone, let alone taken a life. He was obviously a different person than he had been seventeen years earlier.

  He was the perfect student, really: open and hungry to learn but knowledgeable enough to contribute to the conversation. He challenged her to dig deeper and learn more. She never knew what he was going to come up with, and more than once she’d had to allay him with the promise that she would get back to him with the answer to his question. Nevertheless, she thoroughly enjoyed their sessions together.

  She was discussing him one evening with Adele in the apartment they shared. “It’s a little unnerving sometimes,” she admitted. “I’m supposed to know all the answers, but I don’t. He really keeps me on my toes.”

  “Where do you think he’s gotten his information?” Adele asked and then answered her own question. “The Internet, maybe, or books. But from what you’ve said, it seems like he’s tapped into some higher knowing, too. He seems really connected. What’s his spiritual background?”

  “He is very connected,” Kathryn replied. “I think that’s what I sensed about him from the start. He was raised catholic; his parents attend church regularly. We’ve talked a little about his beliefs. He definitely believes in a higher power but doesn’t hold rigidly to the Catholic teachings. It’s the way he looks at me, though…” Kathryn added.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know for sure. It’s like…” she stopped, not sure how to describe the way he made her feel. “It’s almost like he knows me. The questions he asks, the comments he makes—I’d swear sometimes he’s peeked at my notes. He’ll answer questions that I’m just about to ask.”

  “That is strange.”

  “There’s something else.”

  Adele turned from the skirt she was pressing, giving Kathryn her attention. “That sounds serious. What is it?”

  “He calls me Kate,” she replied, “even though I introduced myself as Kathryn. He didn’t talk much at first. I thought he was shy or maybe a little uncomfortable with the one-on-one format, but now I think he was just reading me.”

  “But why…? Oh shit!” Adele pulled the iron away from the fabric too late. “I scorched it.” She began to laugh. “You know, every time I wear this skirt, I’m reminded how much I dislike it. I think, subconsciously, I was looking for a way to ruin it. I’m going to have to start paying closer attention to my guidance system,” she declared, tossing the garment aside.

  “So why do you think Gavin calls you Kate and not Kathryn?” she asked, now fully focused on the conversation.

  “I don’t know,” Kathryn shrugged. “I was tempted to correct him the first time, but I wanted him to feel comfortable with me so I let it go. It’s been several weeks now. I can’t very well tell him he’s been wrong this whole time.”

  “Is he wrong?”

  Kathryn recognized Adele’s tone. She knew what her friend was getting at, too. She had been christened Patricia Katherine, after her two grandmothers. She was called Kate for short, which wasn’t a bad name, just a little too easy to rhyme when the other kids teased a shy, chubby little girl. Her father liked to call her Patty-Kate, a name that might have been endearing had he not been intoxicated for most of her formative years.

  It wasn’t until after her twenty-first birthday that anyone called her by a different name. At that juncture in her life, she decided to make some changes. Having been raised in a dysfunctional home, she was determined to create a life for herself that was radically different from the one she’d known. A brand new career, a new city, and a new more sophisticated name—they all represented a clean start in life.

  A year later when she met a wonderful man and fell in love for the first time, he called her Kate while making love to her, and she couldn’t bear to correct him. Kate became his choice name for her, and she didn’t mind it. But now hearing it from Gavin left her with all kinds of confusing emotions.

  “You know, I think there’s a Kate inside you, and she’s trying to get out,” Adele said frankly.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Think about it; the name Kate sounds young and fun loving, adventurous and carefree. I think you are those things deep down inside, and I think you need to let that part of you out once in a while. Kathryn has a certain elegance and sophistication to it, but it also feels somewhat cold and unapproachable, contrived somehow, like you’re pretending to be something you’re not.”

  The candid remarks stunned Kathryn. Adele was straightforward when it came to her opinions, and Kathryn wasn’t usually offended by the things she said. This time Adele’s words hit a tender spot, and Kathryn realized she had some work to do.

  Adele quickly responded to Kathryn’s silence with an apology as she touched her arm lovingly. “I didn’t mean that as an insult, sweetie. I know you’ve been through your share of rough times. But you deserve to feel good. Maybe it’s time to admit that it’s okay to feel good again.”

  Kathryn looked at Adele with tears swelling in her eyes, but no words would come. Her friend was right; she could feel it.

  “Kathryn, maybe Gavin can read you. Maybe he calls you Kate because he can see that hidden part of you. The Universe uses all kinds of people in our lives to teach us and remind us. No labels, remember. He’s your teacher as much as you’re his.”

  “You’re right,” Kathryn said, blinking back tears. “You’re absolutely right.”

  GAVIN WAS GLAD to have someone unbiased to talk to about what he was experiencing. He’d found that person on a social networking site, and “Retro57” was now his cybernet friend.

  He’d come across the site as he browsed the Internet, looking for information. Interacting that way was new for Gavin, yet fun in a strange, delusional kind of way. He’d created a persona with a name, a job, a belief system, even a love interest. It was nice to feel like an ordinary person, talking about ordinary things with another guy. They talked about extraordinary things too. Retro had some deep questions, and he liked to hear what Gavin, or “Free2B,” as he called himself online, had to say.

  His friend had some great advice. He was supportive of Gavin’s ideas and encouragi
ng when Gavin felt down. Because of their shared interest in the paranormal, many of their conversations dealt with that subject. They both loved reading and often posted what they were learning.

  “Hey F2B,” Retro typed. “Just finished a book by a guy named Scheinfeld. I think you’d like it. It’s mind blowing. Get this: ‘Everything you perceive with your five senses is an illusion—all props and special effects designed to create an alternative reality that allows you to play the human game.’ Shit, man, what if that’s true? What if it’s all an illusion? I’ll send you a link to his website1. Check it out.”

  “I know those kinds of ideas seem far fetched,” Gavin replied, “but I’m starting to believe they’re true. Thanks for the link; I’ll pick up a copy of the book.” He made a mental note to request the book from the library. “The part about our five senses being an illusion, that’s interesting. Deepak Chopra says it a little differently: ‘Only the present, which is our awareness, is real and eternal.’ He describes everything else as a field of possibilities. He says that in our willingness to step into that field, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.”

  “So what’s real then?” Retro asked.

  “I’m beginning to think that ‘real’ is whatever we want to define it as,” Gavin replied. “Personally, I like the idea of calling something real. If you think about it, it’s our awareness of something that makes it seem real. But like Deepak says, that only exists in the present moment. The past doesn’t exist at all, except in our memory, and the future…well, that’s a little complicated.

  “There’s power in the moment that doesn’t exist anywhere else,” he continued. “So the present moment is real in that sense. We just have to stop limiting the term real to only the tangible and the concrete.”

  “Good point,” Retro responded. “But what do you mean about the future being complicated?”