A Brief Moment in TIme Page 7

  “Something happened to me. It’s kind of out there,” Gavin admitted. “I had an experience that felt totally real. I was interacting with people, having conversations, feeling things. Let’s just say all my senses were involved. I’m not sure if it was a dream or an out-of-body experience or if I stepped into some sort of alternate reality, but I woke up to find that none of it had really happened.

  “Right after that, some of the things I dreamed about started happening. I experienced one full day that felt like the movie Groundhog Day. I knew what was going to happen and what people were going to say. Then things started to alter slightly. Each day after that was more removed from the original version.

  “What I noticed right away was that when something familiar happened, I could react the way I had in my dream and predict the outcome, or I could deviate from the dream, change the variables, and the outcome would be totally different. It didn’t take long—a couple of weeks—till I’d altered things enough that nothing was predictable anymore.”

  “Holy shit! No wonder you’re so messed up!” Retro exclaimed. “Just kidding, buddy. That’s out there all right. I envy you, though; I’d love to experience those kinds of things.”

  Gavin felt relieved to admit some of the strange occurrences to another person, albeit this person might be a figment of his imagination, too. Whoever he was, real or imagined, it felt good to have a friend.

  Gavin headed back to his cell. He enjoyed his time on the computer, but it was severely limited. His whole life was severely limited for that matter. Yet what he was learning told him that none of the limitation was real, that it was just an experience he’d created.

  ‘Reality’ was definitely an illusive concept. It could be nothing or it could be everything; it could be whatever a person assigned it to be.

  Having read Don Miguel Ruiz’s books, Gavin resonated with the author’s analogy of a movie theater. It helped him make some sense of the term. Reality was like his own personal movie theatre. In any given moment, the things that were happening were like a movie showing on a giant screen, and he was the observer. However, his movie was just one of many that were playing around him. Others were sitting in their own theater, viewing their own version of life, and it was possible to get tripped up if he tried to see what other people were watching. Gavin believed that his focus determined which movie he watched, and even more important, his thoughts dictated the outcome of the movie itself.

  He liked the analogy because Kate had taught him that he had control over what he chose to think about. And the idea of a private movie theatre was similar to the personal space Kate had the men create in their guided meditations.

  He smiled as Kate came to mind. She did often, now, and he welcomed her into his thoughts. She had yet to do a guided meditation in their individual sessions. Gavin was tempted to suggest it, but he so enjoyed their conversations and sensed that she did as well.

  Besides, he’d practiced the meditations in his cell at night until he could imagine Kate’s voice guiding him and joining him in his adventures. He talked to her, too. He asked her questions and received answers. And more often than not, the information he received was the topic of conversation in their next session.

  He truly wished that he could talk to the physical Kate and explain what was going on between them, or at least try to explain it. He felt he owed her that. He wondered if at any level she felt the connection between them, if she experienced any of the things he did but was unable, because of their situations, to admit it.

  Chapter 10

  KATHRYN WAS EXCITED to share the news with Gavin. Because of her recommendation to the parole board, he had been granted an escorted day pass. It was a full three months before his name was supposed to come up before the board, and in many cases, inmates were denied the first time without their files being looked at.

  She’d submitted a recommendation for another man too, but his application had been turned down without explanation. Kathryn suspected it was a test, a way for them to evaluate the work she was doing. In any case, she was glad it had been Gavin and not the other man they had chosen. Gavin’s progress was more substantial, and she believed his transition would go the smoothest.

  She’d already spoken with Gavin’s parents, telling them the news and making plans for the first outing, which would be a trip home to spend the day with them. Now it was her responsibility as well as her honor to tell Gavin. She couldn’t hide her enthusiasm when Gavin arrived for his session, and he gave her a questioning look as he sat down.

  “I have good news,” she said.

  “They’re letting me out?” Gavin asked somewhat sarcastically, yet Kathryn sensed he knew.

  “Um…yes,” she frowned and then laughed. “Yes! You’ve been approved for a day pass!”

  Gavin didn’t respond, and Kathryn couldn’t read him. His face was expressionless, his eyes focused on the floor.

  “Gavin, are you okay?”

  He spoke without looking up. “I had a dream last night,” he said softly. “I was sitting in my parents’ living room. You were there.”

  Before she could respond, he added, “I thought it was just…I mean, I like to imagine sometimes…it helps me get through the night.”

  “It’s real, Gavin,” Kathryn assured him. “It’s set for Thursday. You have a twelve-hour pass. Your parents know; I’ve already spoken to them. I’ll be escorting you home.”

  He looked at her, and she saw a slight smile flash across his face, but there was something else. “Did I create this?”

  “Yes, Gavin, you did.”

  “What did my parents say?”

  “Your mom was crying. She couldn’t speak at first. Your dad picked up the other line, and I gave them the details. They were excited and thanked me…several times. Oh yeah,” she remembered, “your dad asked me to tell you that he finally got the TV hooked up.”

  “My sister bought Dad a 42 inch plasma TV for his birthday last month and got him set up with a satellite dish. They still had the set I used to watch eighteen years ago. Dad likes sports, but he’d often listen to games on the radio because the old television had such poor reception.” Gavin smiled and shook his head. “They’re old school.”

  “They seem wonderful,” Kathryn contended. “I’m looking forward to meeting them.”

  “Yeah,” Gavin agreed. “They’re pretty awesome.”

  “Gavin, in our first session, you mentioned that you felt scared at the thought of being on the outside. Do you still have those feelings?”

  “I thought I was doing okay with that,” he admitted. “But Kate...now that it’s actually going to happen…I’m terrified.”

  Kathryn still felt strange when Gavin called her Kate, but she tried to ignore it. “Well, then,” she suggested, “let’s deal with that today. I’m going to make extra time to see you tomorrow too.

  “Remember,” she counseled. “Fear is just an emotion; it can’t control you unless you let it. You get to decide what you want to think about.”

  “I’m going home; I ought to feel good.”

  “It doesn’t work that way, Gavin,” she explained. “Your mind may tell you that you should feel a certain way, but your emotions are always accurate, and there’s benefit in listening to them. Let’s talk about the fear. Can you feel the power in it?”

  “Yeah, definitely…but it doesn’t feel good.”

  “Let’s not label it good or bad. For now, just feel the power of the emotion itself. I want you to close your eyes for a moment.”

  GAVIN CLOSED HIS EYES and listened to the sound of Kate’s voice. He loved hearing it and normally it soothed him, but in that moment all he could think about was the dream he’d had the night before. He had been sitting in his parents’ living room, just as he’d told Kate, and she was there with him. What he didn’t mention, however, was that he had handcuffs on his wrists and shackles on his feet. He was home, yet he was still a prisoner.

  “Tell me about your dream, Gavin,” Kate urg
ed, reading his thoughts.

  He told her the details, and her response surprised him. “Gavin, imagine yourself sitting in your parents’ living room, shackled and handcuffed, just like you were in the dream. I want you to remember what that felt like.”

  Gavin couldn’t do otherwise.

  “Now look down. Instead of cold, hard steel, fear is binding your hands and feet. Long strands of thickly woven emotion are holding you there, keeping you from moving.”

  Gavin did as Kate asked. In his mind, he looked down and saw what had him bound. Fear was wrapped tightly around his hands and his feet, just as she had described.

  “It’s your fear that is keeping you in prison, Gavin, even when you’re sitting on the sofa in your parents’ living room.”

  He nodded, realizing the truth of her statement.

  “Remember what I said about fear,” Kate continued. “It’s just an emotion; it only has the power that you give it. I want you to imagine the fear dissolving. Shake your wrists; nothing’s holding them now. Move your feet; they’re free of the shackles.”

  Gavin began to move his hands and feet. He shook his wrists and shifted his feet back and forth. It felt good to be free of any restraints.

  “Now I want you to think of the tremendous power that fear possessed, the power to hold you captive. Imagine taking it back, reclaiming what’s yours. Imagine it flowing to you. Feel the power entering your body and filling you like a balloon with each deep, cleansing breath.”

  Gavin breathed deeply, wanting to reclaim all the power he could. He felt something wash over him like a wave, the reverberation spreading through his entire body. It was a rush like nothing he’d ever experienced before, and it left him tingling.

  “You are the power, Gavin. Nothing else can claim that power unless you give it permission. It’s you, Gavin. The power is you.”

  Kate stopped talking, and Gavin remained still for a minute, feeling the stimulating effects of the transfer of power2. Then he looked at Kate and smiled, “That was really cool.”

  “How do you feel now?”

  “I don’t feel the fear anymore; it’s like it’s really gone. It was amazing to take back the power like that. But I still feel a little…” he hesitated.

  “It’s okay, Gavin, there’s no right or wrong. The important thing here is to recognize how the emotions feel, then deal with them, not judge them.”

  “I feel kind of...pissed off.” Gavin couldn’t think of any other way to express how he was feeling at that moment.

  “Okay, let’s deal with that now. Does it feel like anger, or frustration? When you feel it, can you pinpoint any specific thoughts?”

  “Yeah, it ticks me off that fear could have that much control over me. I think I’m angry at the fear.” He shrugged and looked at Kate. “That probably doesn’t make much sense.”

  “It does make sense, Gavin. Anger is a natural progression from fear. It makes perfect sense to be angry at something that had such a strong hold over you. Anger is actually more powerful than fear,” Kathryn added. “Do you know why that is?”

  Gavin shook his head.

  “It’s because you can channel it. You have more direct control over it. Anger is a very useful tool when you learn how to use it.”

  “Really?”

  “It’s true. Most people don’t understand that and instead use it in a destructive or harmful way. That’s why there’s so much violence in the world. So many people live in fear and despair, which are extremely powerless emotions. They naturally reach for anger to take back their power, and it plays out in violent crimes, terrorism, and oppression. All countries that are at war are fighting for that very reason.”

  “Wow, I’ve never thought about it like that.” Gavin was quiet for a moment. As he reflected on his own situation, he had to ask, “Do you think the crime I committed was because of that?”

  “Do you feel ready to talk about it?”

  “I’m not sure. I mean…I think I’d like to talk about it. I think it would help. But it doesn’t feel like the right time.”

  AS SHE LISTENED to Gavin make a choice based on how he felt, Kathryn marveled again at the understanding he possessed. He was making tremendous progress in using his emotional guidance system to feel his way.

  She smiled. “That’s perfectly fine, Gavin. You’ll know when the time is right. We were talking about the anger that you felt just now. Would you like to continue dealing with that?”

  “Yeah, I would.”

  She led Gavin through another process of reclaiming his power, helping him find relief as he moved up the emotional scale. When their session ended, she could tell that he was feeling more positive about his upcoming trip home.

  Kathryn looked forward to Thursday as well. She had some preparation to do before the day arrived, and she worked on it that evening at her apartment.

  “What are you working on?” Adele asked.

  “I have to submit an itinerary for Thursday.”

  “Seriously? You’re driving him to his parents’ farm. What more do they need to know?”

  “We’re not even supposed to make an unscheduled restroom stop,” Kathryn laughed. “So I have to anticipate everything ahead of time and lay it all out for them—what route we’ll take and where we plan to stop—that kind of thing.”

  “It’ll be interesting to see the freedom we take for granted through the eyes of someone who’s been incarcerated for so long,” Adele remarked.

  “I know,” Kathryn said. “Gavin’s kept up with a lot of the changes that have taken place since 1992, but he only knows about them. Now he gets to experience them firsthand. He’s never watched a flat screen television, played a game on an Xbox, sent a text message, or owned a cell phone for that matter. He’s never seen a GPS system in a vehicle. He’s probably never even had a latte at Starbucks.

  “This city has nearly doubled in size since he’s seen it. His farm will probably look different than it did seventeen years ago. I’m trying to imagine what it’s going to be like for him.”

  “It sounds exciting,” Adele responded. “I can’t wait to hear about it.”

  Kathryn finished the outline for the itinerary. She hoped the plans she’d made would be interesting without being too overwhelming for Gavin. There would be more outings to come—every two weeks if all went well.

  She would be accompanying him and documenting his progress, submitting detailed reports to the prison board. He would be the first of the small experimental group that she’d be working closely with both within the prison walls and once they were released. She had two other men with parole hearings imminent, so her schedule would be full.

  She had to admit, as unprofessional as it sounded, that she enjoyed her interaction with Gavin more than with the other men. He had unique qualities that continued to surprise and intrigue her. Absorbing the concepts easily, he was already applying the teaching in his life and continually asking questions that challenged her. He was a paradox in many ways: a boy in a grown man’s body, a naïve young man with a wise old soul, a gentle giant incarcerated for murder.

  Kathryn smiled. She couldn’t deny that she was fond of him, but she understood the danger of getting emotionally attached to her students. Even more so, the danger of them becoming attached to her.

  She didn’t think it would be an issue with Gavin, however. Transference was a common problem in counselor-patient relationships, but Gavin was wise; he was also in tune with his emotions. She was quite sure his feelings for her didn’t go beyond appreciation for the understanding he was gaining from her. At most, it extended to genuine friendship. And she didn’t mind that; she would be honored to have him call her his friend.

  Chapter 11

  GAVIN LAY AWAKE all night thinking about the approaching day. Anxious anticipation had replaced debilitating fear. It was a definite improvement, yet he found it annoying. What he really wanted to do was fall asleep and wake up just in time to leave. It was the waiting that was painful.

&n
bsp; Kate had gone over the itinerary with him. He could see the entire day mapped out in his mind, yet it felt like he was stepping into a big black hole. It wasn’t what was out there that was intimidating; it was simply the idea of being out after having been locked away for so long.

  He tried a familiar meditation to calm himself, but the tranquil lake scene and Kate’s soothing voice echoing softly in his head didn’t have the same effect it had in the past, so he pictured his farm instead. As he visited the buildings and places he knew so well, Gavin began to relax and enjoy the tour. He saw himself taking Kate’s hand and sharing the experience with her. Suddenly he was eager to spend the day together, driving with her, introducing her to his family, and showing her places he’d loved as a child.

  He no longer questioned his feelings for Kate or for Kathryn. The two were the same, yet different. He didn’t know where Kathryn ended and Kate began. One was an imaginary lover, the other his counselor. He wasn’t willing to see it as crazy. He’d created it and Kate was a part of it. He couldn’t explain it, but neither could he deny it. It just was.

  Morning finally came, and Gavin went straight to the warden’s office to receive his pass. Kate was already waiting with jacket on and keys in hand.

  “Ready to go?”

  “Oh yeah,” he laughed. “Since about 2 a.m.”

  “Well, then,” Kathryn grinned as she led the way toward the security doors. “You’ll really appreciate the triple grandé cinnamon dolce americano misto I’m going to buy you.”

  “Is that coffee?”

  “Like you’ve never had it before, my friend.”

  Kate seemed to be in an upbeat, playful mood, and Gavin liked what he heard and saw. She was dressed in jeans and a sweater, still somewhat conservative but definitely more casual than he’d ever seen her before.

  He’d been imagining every detail and wanted to savor the feelings each step produced. As they walked past the guards at the main entrance, one smiled as he acknowledged their right to pass. In the parking lot, Kate led the way to her car while Gavin glanced around. They were still within the prison grounds, but he hadn’t been outside the main walls of the facility since he’d been brought to Swenton. He was already beginning to feel an intoxicating sense of freedom.